My Views On Mikalah Gordon

IF I WERE TO WRITE A LETTER TO MIKALAH GORDON, THIS IS HOW IT WOULD GO:

Dear Mikalah,
I've been suffering from a sore back for the last 5 weeks and wasn't sure why. I've figured it out and you are the one to blame. I actually sit and cringe when you "perform" and hearing the sounds that come out of your mouth make my body shrug in such a way that I have sprained my spine. Your voice, I mean, it's like nothing I've ever heard before. You have this unique, original voice BUT that is NOT a compliment... it's really bad…the British may even say it is "horrific" or "ghastly." It's as if some of the tones you are trying to hit, sound like you are making mating calls to antelopes. Some viewers' televison sets may even have cracked.
What is it with a 16 year old girl that trys to act and sound like a cross between Barbara Streisand, Fran Drescher, and Maggie Wheeler. And what is worse, is that the impression is really bad. Rich Little would be ashamed that someone could publically perform such a poor impression. Your voice actually is so painful that you make Ashlee Simpson sound like she can hit a note.

You are an over-confident, over-weight Jewish girl who wears clothing that is too tight and too revealing. We don't want to see your baby fat hanging out your waist line to reveal your back tatoo. Your hair looks like a gothic mop and you wear too much make up. You look more like an extra for the sequel to "The Craft" than you do an American Idol. If William Hung was dead, he'd be turning over in his grave. Hell, Shane Klingensmith wouldn't even tour with you and he sucks worse than a whore with sharp teeth.

You sound best when I am wearing ear plugs. If it wasn't for Lindsey Cardenale singing like the Hunchback of Notre Dame in a voice that sounded like a muppet on crack, you would be gone. I have officially banned the use of Q-Tips in my household as I want the wax to build up so I won't have to hear your next performance as I'd rather have the wax protect my eardrum instead of making an appointment for D.E.S. -- Deep Ear Surgery.

Time is ticking Mrs. Gordon. It doesn't matter if you talk to the judges or are annoying now. You can say all the stupid comments you want. Personally, I'd rather have you Shut The F**K up but who cares…your 15 minutes of irritating fame is coming to an end. Start sending out your resumes to Amusement Parks, Cruise Lines, and Bar Mitzvah Bands. But, I hope you soon realize that a career in music is not for you. You probably could even bankrupt a high school play with that voice.

Enjoy your last week on the show.
Birdman OUT