I Had A "Dream"

Yes, I had a dream. It was a crazy dream. I had a dream that there were no crowds on the subway. I had a dream that everyone standing on the train had a bar to hold on to. I had a dream that people didn’t hog more than one seat. And that people didn’t hog the pole when other people needed to hold on to it. I had a dream that the floor of the subway wasn’t sticky and than people let you off the subway before getting on. I had a dream that you could understand the announcements on the train. Imagine hearing that the hell they just said? I had a dream that dirty homeless people who begged for money vanished and people who sung for money had their larynx taken out. I had a dream that people on the train didn’t play their Walkmans so loud for the entire car to hear it. I had a dream that there was no B.O. (Body Odor) on the train. I had a dream that there were never red stop signals delaying trains and that all trains would consistently step on the gas and move instead of that horrible crawl that most of them do. I had a dream that the waiting platforms had fresh air to breathe and that it wasn’t so hot and sticky. I had a dream that Metro Cards would slide through the turnstile on the first try. I had a dream that A-holes who hopped the turnstile to save $1.50 would either fall down the stairs or slip and fall in front of an oncoming train. I had a dream that people wouldn’t ask stupid questions on the ticket line and would learn how to read the subway map. I had a dream that the people in the ticket booth would smile every once and a while. I had a dream that lazy people would pick up the pace down the stairs when a train was coming so people could make the train before the doors close on them. I had a dream where there was East Side subways so people didn’t have to walk 3 to 4 Avenues to get to them.

Oh, and this dream didn’t end on the subway. It took me out of the subway. This dream was so real and I wish it was true. I had a dream that people obeyed escalator etiquette. People would stand on the right side and pass on the left. I had a dream where people did NOT block the walking lane going up. I had a dream that the sidewalks were not crowded. People had to walk either my speed or get out of my way. Slow walkers were given a $5 ticket for holding up traffic. I had a dream where people didn’t stop in the middle of the sidewalk and have conversations. I had a dream where the elderly and the Asians picked up their feet. I had a dream where people who walked slower than you didn’t get in front of you at a corner only to get re-passed a few seconds later. I had a dream where I actually opened up a Walking 101 Class where I taught people in all weather temperatures to pick up the pace. If it is hot, walk faster to get your ass home into a cool apartment. If it is cold, walk faster to get your ass home into a warm apartment. If it is wet, walk faster to get your ass home into a dry apartment. If it is hot and dry, walk faster to get your ass into a shower. I’d teach people how to walk past the slow tourist taking pictures. I’d teach people how to avoid those giant umbrellas that take up the entire sidewalk. These should be illegal. I’d teach people how to walk at a street fair. I’d teach people how to walk in holiday traffic. Ahhhh, what a dream I had.

I had a dream that delivery men on bikes all hit pot holes and got run over by a bus. These people have NO respect for pedestrians. I had a dream that these same bike riders didn’t smell and spoke English. I had a dream that they stopped at traffic lights and obeyed the laws of the road like cars. I had a dream that if a bike rider hit a pedestrian, that the bike rider would be sent to the electric chair.

I had a dream that seeing a movie in NYC was a less stressful experience. Wouldn’t it be nice to not have to order tickets in advance? And wouldn’t it be nice if a movie wasn’t $11 a ticket? And the machines always worked when picking up your tickets you ordered. I had a dream where there was more than one station to buy popcorn and soda and that it didn’t cost as much as dinner for your snack. I had a dream where someone once told me the real ingredients in popcorn "topping." I think one of the ingredients was KY Jelly. I had a dream where tall people were only allowed to sit in the last three rows. I had a dream where people didn’t talk during a movie and where ALL people waited until the credits to leave. No more of this leaving 5 minutes early crap. This dream also gave people ONE trip to the bathroom. If you have to pee a second time, find a different seat because you are not getting by me a second time. I had a dream if the movie was so short that you got a discount and if the movie sucked, you got your money back.

This dream just kept on going and going and going. It was the Energizer Bunny of the Dream world. This dream had taxi cabs that didn’t smell and cab drivers whose name you could pronounce. Taxi drivers weren’t allowed to talk on their hands free cell phone the entire ride. Where they actually knew the fastest and quickest route to travel. I had a dream that the drivers of the cabs spoke more than 5 words of English. I had a dream that cab pulled more over to the curbs when picking up or dropping off. I had a dream that the stupid celebrity welcome messages in cabs were muted.

I had a dream where the Burger King on 41st Street between 5th and Madison didn’t charge for Barbeque Sauce. I have sick dreams of Ms. Ronald McDonald getting it on with Wendy. But, the service is pathetic. My dream even had me win the war against BK with FREE Barbeque sauce once again. No more begging to trade 27 packs of ketchup for one BBQ sauce. It was free. The dream had the slogan, "Have It Your Way" meaning you could get it with barbeque sauce. I had a dream where the owner of this store croaked from choking on a chicken tender. He wouldn’t have died if he had FREE barbeque sauce to dip it in. Fast food should be so easy and FAST. In the city, the word "Fast" needs to be removed. Burger King should be referred to as a Painfully Slow Food Restaurant. Move aside Soup Nazi…I think we have a condiment Nazi.

I had a dream where there was no vehicle traffic. Where there wasn’t those "Thru Street" signs making traffic worse. And where there weren’t traffic cops who have no clue how to manage the high traffic areas. I had a dream where there were no horns. If you can’t go because it is a red light and you honk, you should get your had stuck in an electric blender. Try and honk the horn next time with no hand. I had a dream where traffic flowed. Where there were no street closures due to the President in town or a street fair. I had a dream where there was no rubber necking. All accidents would be placed on a site called accident.com and you could view the bloodbath when on your computer when you got to your location. I had a dream where there were more river crossing and more lanes to get to these crossings. The more crossings…the less traffic. The math is simple. I had a dream where people who went in the Easy Pass lane who don’t have easy pass would just skid out off of the bridge. Then, you wouldn’t have to worry about them in the wrong lane again. I had a dream that trucks were not allowed to double park on streets. And get rid of those traffic police who cause half of the grid lock in the first place.

I had a dream where people weren’t loud and obnoxious. For example, you have construction workers. These people are always loud. And they see a girl walk past them they say things like, "Come over here sweet thing" and "Baby, oooooh, you are a hottie…give me some sugar." Ladies, if some A-hole asks you for "sugar", throw a packet of Sweet ‘n Low in his face.

Oh, I had a dream. No, it was NOT wet. It was a dream of change to better this city. Imagine riding an express bus and knowing when the hell the next stop was. Or having local busses not stop at every other corner. Crap…I can walk faster than these busses. Imagine sitting on a bus were there is not an elderly person with giant nose hairs hanging out of his/her nose?

And this dream had elevators that were not crowded. Imagine being able to kick the asshole in the chins that tried to squeeze on an already packed elevator? Or the jackass that is on a packed elevator singing to his Walkman that blasts so loud in his ear that people on passing floors can hear. Or being able to spray Lysol on the one person that smells who gets on the elevator.

I guess this was a long dream but it was a powerful dream. This dream had all cashiers who moved as slow as turtles lose their fingers due to frostbite. Sometimes it is painful watching these morons type into a cash register. Press the keys and make change for the customer. It’s not a difficult process. It is scary how much time is wasted due to incompetent cashiers. At my bagel shop, I can have a weeks’ worth of bowel movements before I move up on line.
Then, there is the other side of the equation. You have moron customers who don’t help move lines along. First of all, have your money ready. If you have many items, take out a few twenties. Don’t get rung up and then start flipping thru the wallet for your cash. Even worse is when the wallet is not out. They first sift through their pocketbook to find the wallet and then find the money. And, then they start looking through the change purse to find a penny. I don’t have time for you to play hide and seek with your change. Just pay for the damn items and get a few more pennies back. If you want to get rid of your pennies, roll them on your own time. And my dream got me more aggravated when people at the supermarket put their groceries right next to yours. Leave some space. What the hell is the rush to get your items on the checkout counter? Use that stupid plastic divider stick. And stop paying for small items on the credit card. If you are going to make the effort to go to the supermarket, make the effort first to go to a bank. I don’t need to wait an extra two minutes for you to charge your Tic-Tac’s.

I had a dream that it was always sunny in the city. Rain sucks like bad whores. Snow sucks like that stupid owl trying to get to the center of a Blow Pop. You can’t stay dry in the rain in NYC. You got huge puddles all over the place. You got umbrellas that can’t withstand the strength of the wind. You got these A-holes with huge umbrellas that you can’t get by with out tilting yours causing you to get wet. And, you can’t get a cab in the rain so you are stuck walking in the rain. When I’m walking in the rain, I’m sure not singing in the rain. And if I was singing, I’d be singing on how much the rain was pissing me off. And Snow is just as bad. You don’t get wet when it comes down but you can’t cross any street as the drainage at each corner is useless. Hey NYC…use our tax money to fix the sewers. You get such piles of slush about 2 feet deep that you are drenched up to your knees by the time you have to cross the street. The only way to stay dry crossing the street is if you wore knickers. Knickers? Who invented this stupid clothing? It’s not quite pants and it’s not quite shorts. It’s shorter than Capri’s but longer than a Skort. And the only way people wear them is with their socks up to their knees. Ewwww. This is what ya call Sock Disease. It should be illegal to wear your socks any higher than your shin. This is uglier than men wearing bow ties to work unless you are in a tuxedo. Ooops, I sort of went away from what I was talking about.

Is this as dream or a rant? Whatever it is, I’m going to continue with Dog Doody. Actually, that is too nice of a term. It’s "dog shit." It’s horse shit that there is all this dog shit on my street. I feel like I’m in the last leg of the Battle of the Network Stars’ obstacle course ever night avoiding piles and mounds of Benji’s fecal matter. For Christ’s sake…I should get an Olympic Gold Medal every time I make it home with out ruining a pair of shoes. Who are these people walking their dog and using the street as the toilet? All I ask is that if you have your dog take a crap in the street that you take bag and clean up the mess. My street is my home. Shitting on the street is like shitting in my home. So, my dream had me shit on the couch of each person guilty of not cleaning up after their dog. The bible says, "Love thy neighbor." Well, I’ll be giving each dog owner a gift from me. And while I’m talking about dogs, these same jerks who walk them need to stop having their dogs pee in the middle of the street. Pee off to the side so we don’t have to hop, jump, and skip over M.P.P. – Major Piss Puddles.

I hate it all. I hate delivery guys as they always take forever and never appreciate their tip. I hate bugs in the apartment as they are impossible to swat and kill. I hate waiters who forgot to fill your Diet Coke when there are FREE refills. I hate the guys at restaurants who ask to put pepper or grated cheese on your dish. If I wanted it, I would ask. I hate people who go through blue plastic recycle bags to grab the cans. These people probably make more money than me. I hate when the homeless begs on the street and on the subway. Hey…they have shelters for food and warmth. I can’t support the city so I’m not supporting you. I hate bouncers at bars who think they are the King of Prussia. If I don’t have a set of tits and a nice ass, I have to wait outside in the cold to get into a bar so crowded that I can’t get a drink anyway. The hell with that. All these people should disappear. The world would be a better place. Also, the following people can disappear like the people who spray you with tons of perfume at department stores? I don’t need to walk out of a store smelling potpourri. And let’s get rid of friendly neighbors. I don’t need to feel like I have to nod my head to say hello to everyone I pass while walking down my street. I have very few nod buddies on the street with is very few more than I need to have. All this nodding my head and I’ll be in a neck brace. It is all unnecessary. Tall people at Broadway shows need to go too. A ticket is too expensive for Lurch to be sitting right in front of you preventing you from seeing a damn thing on stage. Shave your shins down a few inches and cut of your neck. And this dream had me eliminating every old lady that feeds the pigeons. This is illegal and you never see a cop arrest a senior citizen for feeding the birds. NYC pigeons are rats with wings so they should NOT be fed. They are gross and annoying. Cops need to shoot anyone feeding the pigeons. These people are old anyway so what is the difference. If they still had their mind in tact, they would NOT be feeding the pigeons in the first place. We also need to get rid of people at music stores who go around asking, "Can I help you?" Can you help me? Do you know what kind of music I like? I’m browsing. I can do that with out your stupid / annoying help. Leave me alone and let me be. And we must dispose of morons who hold up the line at ATMs. It is SO easy. Slide your card through and follow the instructions. If it takes you more than 60 seconds to get your money out, then the person waiting behind you should get 25% of your withdrawal. That would speed people up.

BUZZZ BUZZZ. BUZZZZ.

Then my alarm went off. Wow. What a dream it was. It seemed so real.

This dream had the government coming up with good ideas. They worry about smoking in bars, Sopranos cast members being invited to parades, making turns off certain streets, honking horns, and public toilets. Hey we elected a bunch of stupid assholes to run this city. I read the paper and walk the streets every day and realize we got bigger problems – terrorism, rape, murder, assault, robbery, burglary, priests fucking boys, homeless, unemployment, a bad economy, pimps, whores, thieves, drunks, arsonists, drug dealers, drug addicts, assholes, and other useless politicians like we elected. Spend the money the right way and make the laws that make the city a better place.

I got in a shower, got dressed, and headed to the subway where I stepped in a pile of dog shit.