Moving Fun

HARRISON MOVING FUN
Many of you have asked how our move has gone. We are making progress unpacking boxes. I've even become somewhat handy building storage racks, trimming bushes, changing shower heads and knobs, etc. But, the most stressful part is dealing with all the morons at places who make life painfully difficult. All we do is try to do something the right way only to find out that we have to do it a 2nd time. We are busy…I'm sick of doing things twice. Below are all the frustrating things we've encountered and they best be watching out because they don't know who they are dealing with.
FUTURAMA -- This place is a disaster. We ordered our couch back on May 8th for receipt on September 11th which is 18 weeks. I call them in mid August and they tell me that everything is on schedule. So, after moving in, we are sitting in front of the TV on a blanket on beach chairs for a few weeks when I call to look into the delivery and they tell me End-November. At this point I flip out. "You are not building a freggin rocket ship…it's a couch. There is some wood, metal, fabric, and stuffing. What is the problem? I'm getting nowhere calling the store. We already got screwed from them earlier when they told us we didn't have to pay anything for one year and then a week later, they tell us that we owe 1/2 of the cost of the couch. I flip out again and they apologized and we got a coupon for $150. Whoop-Deee-Do. I wouldn't spend it at this place if the purchase included free oral sex from a supermodel. Okay, so, I call the corporate office and start yelling and they are telling me that there is nothing that can be done. So, I ask for this person's boss and got his number but he never answered the phone so I continued calling him for days. In the meantime, we head to the store to speak to THE Manager. We get this dip-shit named Carlos. Carlos speaks English the way I speak Comanche Indian and that is NOT good. I am ready to start yelling in the store. He claims that he needs a day to investigate this matter and that he would call me at 11:00 am the next day. So, the next day, the clock his 11:01 and I received NO call back so I start dialing. After waiting on hold for 10 minutes, this duchebag picks up the phone. "Carlos…it's Kevin Harrison…the Natuzzi couch…you didn't call me back." He goes, "Oh sorry Mr. Harrison. I put in a call and need more time. I will call you back in the afternoon." I decided to give him more time. The clock now hits 5:00 pm and in my book, the afternoon is OVER. I pull over in a parking lot and dial this dumb ass. I ask for him to be paged. I wait about 10 minutes and they tell me that he is not answering his page. I say, "I am NOT waiting for him to call back. I will wait on the phone until he is tracked down." Finally, after another 10 minutes and smoke pouring out my ears, this moron picks up. "Carlos, it's Kevin Harrison. You didn't call me back again." "Oh, Mr. Harrison. We are looking at a couple more weeks." I said, "I'm gonna have the couch in 2 weeks?" He says, "It's looking like End November." I said, "That is NOT two weeks and that is unacceptable. So, I tell you what. First, I want a loner couch because I have events at my new house and I can't have guests on the floor. Second, I want some money off. I paid a lot of money for this couch and now I'm NOT paying full price." He goes, "Let me get the Manager." Huh? The Manager? When I met this guy, I first asked this useless terd if he was the manager and he said "yes." I wanted "THE" manager…not "A" manager. So, someone else picks up and they said they would look into my information. Meanwhile, this other cocksucker Scott from corporate finally calls me back after the weekend and I gave him an earful that probably could have melted his ear wax. I told him the situation and he gave me the right to cancel my couch. Yeah…that's what I want to do. Wait another 18+ weeks from another company…NOT. I told him I wanted money off and a loner. Finally, after all this arguing, I got 10% off and the loner would be on the way. I told them that it could NOT be one of those UGLY Melon or Green snot looking couches. And, finally, after almost a month on the floor, a BLACK couch and chair were delivered. But, I still want my couch and I'll bury this company full of lying shmucks. The story actually gets uglier…BUT…you can tune in to a news report on Channel 9 to hear more. Details to come your way soon.
BEST BUY -- A few weeks before moving, I was cleaning out the refrigerator and started getting skeeved out. There was brown stains, dried jelly, and mystery substances on the inside of the fridge. Plus, it was ugly, smelly, and just plain old gross. I don't eat leftovers from strangers houses so I sure wasn't going to put NEW food into a cold box of grossness? I took a tizzy and proclaimed that we were to buy a new fridge. So, we headed over to Best Buy. They should call this place Worst Buy as I'll never use them again for an appliance. We purchased a fridge and had scheduled a delivery for the first Monday we were in the place. When they arrived, they asked me outside to inspect the fridge. There was a nice sized dent/scratch on the freezer part. I told them to box it back up because we were NOT accepting damaged goods. Their office called and I told them the issue and they promised a new fridge to be delivered on Wednesday. So, two more days that we couldn't go shopping for food. Wednesday arrived and I went out to inspect the fridge and they re-delivered the same stupid damaged fridge. Am I dealing with the A.R.S -- American Retard Society? I flipped out and called the store. I told them that they BEST be getting me a NEW non-damaged Fridge in a sealed box as soon as possible. But, now I had to wait until Saturday. So, that was three more days of NO food to be purchased. Finally, these careless a-holes got it right and we were in business. They took the yucky fridge out and replaced it with the new one. I don't think I'll be able to bury Best Buy but I'll be writing a nasty letter to their corporate office since the useless store manager didn't do a thing for us when we went to complain in person.
MADAME PAULETTE -- Among all of our packing and moving, we were having issues with the place that was cleaning and preserving Ilisa's dress. We were starting to have boxes pile up in the apartment. Ilisa calls this moronic place and asked for status of her dress as it was nearing the point of completion. They said about a week to 10 days. The next day, we are sitting on the couch watching some reality show and it is 11:00 and I'm washing up and the doorbell rings. I let the person up and there is a black man with a box. I didn't know what the hell was going on but I signed for it. It was the wedding dress in our apartment 9 days earlier than was told the day before. The dress looked like it was in a coffin so Ilisa called the next day and explained what she received which they confirmed was wrong. So, they promised they'd be there the next day. That didn't happen. So, she called again and then promised they'd be there the next day. That didn't happen again. So, Ilisa flipped out on this queer and finally, it was picked up to be done over and be properly restored. We had the same issues of it getting re-delivered where they said it was coming and it was not. After we finally received it, they guy was to give a credit of only $75 but whatever. So, in the midst of all our unpacking, Ilisa realized that this ass licking fool never gave her any credit. So, she called for three days and got his machine and there was NOT a call back. Finally, he called back and didn't even remember to do the credit and didn't remember the correct amount so we lied and got a $100 dollar credit. A huge hassle for $100 bucks but I wouldn't use this place if you gave my nasty feet a foot massage on the beach. As a wise Jew once said, "Fatick."
OTHER ISSUES -- There are so many other things that I can't even keep track of the aggravations. But, here are some of them:
BASSETT -- This place comes to deliver our living room set. They bring the chairs to the dining room table but don't bring the seat. The frame of the chair does me NO Good unless I put a bucket under it and use it as an old fashioned toilet.
WESCO -- They deliver the kitchen set and there is fabric that stick out under the seat and looks terrible. So, the delivery guy has to dismantle each chair to cut the extra fabric off.
P.C. RICHARDS -- They come and delivery a 2nd fridge for the basement that is missing plastic bars on the inside of the door to keep food from flying out. They claim the model we asked for was without these bars so I had to order them from the parts department. They also delivered the kitchen TV but didn't have the cantilever to hang the TV so we had to find a NJ store to pick it up ourselves. Finally, they tell me I need a professional to get my grill installed. So, I hire a Grill person and all I had to do was put it into our gas line. At least the guy didn't charge me.
MORT OLIN CARPETS -- We get a quote from this guy Eric who didn't shut the hell up. The guy would speak non stop more than humans blink. Ilisa takes a day off for the closets to get installed the day that Slomin's was coming and he calls that the materials weren't cut so she had to take another day off the following week. They also forgot to install a hanging bar in my closet.
MCI -- I was a customer in NYC. I gave them my new address to turn on the phone. I was calling they day after day and for some reason, another "reliable" bunch of jerks didn't come through as it took 25+ days to turn on the phone.
WORLDWIDE CARPETS -- We were getting close to the painters being finished and they give us a ridiculously high quote for Carpet for our bedroom. Hell, it was basic fabric. They quoted me like it was weaved with 14 carrot gold. Luckily, a mill's machine died so we got more expensive carpet for 75% of what the original fabric would have cost.
PICTURE PERFECT PAINT -- They took down all the window treatments to paint. When they were done, we went to put back up the window treatments. They must have thrown them all in a pile as the treatments were all wrinkled. Luckily between steaming them individually plus the humidity from outside, they straightened out themselves.
CK SPARKS ELECTRICIANS -- They were fixing the attic fan that wasn't working because the prior owners set the thermostat to 175 degrees and in such a high place that it was unreachable. So, getting down the attic, they crush the attic door. So, it's off to Home Depot for them to cut a new door for me.
THE ACCENT GROUP -- I get the new grill and have it for a week. This place is painting the home and drip gray paint all over the grill cover. I told them they were gonna pay for it but I think they got most of the gray out.
COMCAST -- They come to hook up the TV. Figures they would hook it up incorrect where I was only getting the high-def channels so I had to book a 2nd appointment. Gotta love good service.
TAYLOR MANAGEMENT -- My first week there, I can't open the front sliding door. To me, sliding doors are part of the building structure which should be covered by the management company and my first week there, the dues already went up $17. So, I had to call a stupid door company to fix the doors.
WALL UNITS AND MORE -- We ordered a TV Stand for delivery on 8/30. It gets delivered on 9/18. Gotta love a 19 day delay.
NJ PETS -- This is not really their fault. A week before moving, we go to NJ Pets to purchase a new tank and stand. On the Wednesday before, we have two guys come and set up the fish tank. On the day before moving, we put Moe (the fish) in the transport case. The fish was NOT happy. However, Ilisa and Evan got him in the tank and he was alive. And hour later, he croaked. This sucked. He was thrown in the garbage on 65th and York. There was NO time for a proper burial with us moving the next day. Oh well.
TARGET -- We return more things to this place. We buy something for the bathroom. It's missing pieces and it is a piece of shit. We buy Universal Drill Bits by Black and Decker for our Black and Decker drill and guess what? The drill bits are not really universal. What the hell?
FORTUNOFF -- These morons don't take back registry gifts after 3 month. Meanwhile, most of the items you get off the registry we didn't need until we moved. So, half of the items you want to return are discontinued and you get nothing back. Great scam this whole registry thing is. The way to go is to ONLY register for gift cards. Then, when you are ready to move, you just buy what you want.
BED BATH & BEYOND -- We have become regulars at their returns counter. Everything we buy doesn't fit or doesn't work. 50% of everything we buy goes right back to the store to buy something else. But, Ilisa had a great plan of returning discontinued items from Fortunoff that we owned but didn't want and BBB took them back and we got some loot back. Gotta love corporate stupidity.
HOME DEPOT -- We are now regulars here. However, the store by us has terrible help. You can never find a person to answer your questions. This Chinese man was helping me. Then, he walked away to help someone else. Tons of returns from this place as well but that is because I'm trying to be handy and I'm not the handiest of person.
SHOP RITE -- The supermarket by us sucks. We get all of our shopping done in 10 minutes but it then takes 40 freggin minutes to check out. They are dumb as shit in the place. I may have to start using a supermarket in an adjacent town.
BRITA -- We order a Brita water cooler. Guess what? One of the pieces is slightly damaged and I still have NOT received the replacement. But, why is that a surprise. Two months have gone by and they finally sent a replacement part and guess freakin what…it's STILL damaged !
KITCHEN AID -- We've been trying to find a new coffee filter for our coffee pot that we've been using for a year. For some reason we can not find the correct filter. I finally get an email from their customer service that says that their pot was discontinued and that they are going with a new line. So, pretty much my new coffee pot is useless. I've been going back and fourth with this stupid company and will be demanding a replacement as I'm NOT going to run out and get a new pot because they deceived the customer to buy a product that you can no longer buy a filter for. Screw that.
NORTH FORK BANK -- In the midst of all my fighting, North Fork Bank sends me a new ATM card as my other one expired but they gave me a new pin. When I get a regular credit card sent in the mail because the other one expired, I get to keep the PIN. But, this place makes you go to a bank to do this in person. What a waste. So, just my luck, I go to a bank to do this and the computer was down. Guess I have to do things again like always.
WEST ORANGE RECYCLING -- We have to separate Aluminum. We have to separate glass by color (clear, green, and brown). We have to separate newspaper from other junk mail and papers. We have to cut down cardboard into small pieces for them to take it away. And, with all these rules, they don't take Plastic. You can either throw it in the garbage or bring it to the recycle plant which is what I've been doing for most of the cardboard as it is easier so you don't have to cut it all up as long as it is flat. I wonder who the idiot is who is running this town.
CHARLES H. GREENTHAL MGMT -- This is my old landlord. They do not call back and I'm trying to figure out when I'm gonna get my security deposit back. I'll be their worst nightmare until I get my money back.
NJ MOTOR VEHICLES -- Don't even get me started on the stupidity of this organization. We went once to get NJ licenses. But, until we got insurance, we couldn't do the rest. So, we go back again with insurance for the registration. They then send us to a different town to get eye tests. So, once we do that we go back again to motor vehicles with the eye test results and the insurance and then they send us to another location for the inspection. Finally, after 4 trips we had our NJ license. This is an organization that needs a complete revamping. The morons in my company are more organized than the people at Motor Vehicles and that is really scary.
KITCHEN-AID -- So, we get a new coffee machine for our engagement and use it for less than 2 years. We find out that Kitchen Aid discontinues the charcoal filter. Great…now I have a useless coffee machine. So, after fighting with this place, they finally agreed to give us a chopper but I still have to buy a new coffee machine. Yup…another big company scamming the consumer.
THE GOOD PLACES -- The only places we have not had a problem is at Sears for the cleaning of the air ducts and the carpet cleaning, Pelican for the patio furniture, Select Comfort and Costco. Oh, and Evan Drachtman who totally hooked us up with the lighting.
Every other company is filled with morons who take your money and then don't provide the service or product you paid for. But, they are dealing with a HARRISON so watch out Corporate American…I'm coming to make your life miserable.
But, we LOVE the burbs. People are SLOW but I don't miss NYC…YET !

The Futurama Story

THE FUTURAMA STORY:
1. Went to Futurama Home Furniture on May 8th, 2004 to purchae a Natuzzi couch.
2. I dealt with a salesperson named Calista showed us the merchandise.
3. I wanted better pricing so she went to get a manager named Gene who told us that they were having a one time special that weekend where they would drop the price of the couch by the value of the tax ($238.26) and that we would not have to pay anything on the couch for one year except the delivery charge ($99.00) and sales tax ($223.96). This was writen up on the contract as "No Payment / No Interest For 1 Year."
4. The only amount I had to pay that day was $322.96 for an initial deposit.
5. They provided an approximate delivery date of 9/11/04 but said that should be the worst case scenario.
6. On May 17th, I am contacted by a store manager that they need 50% of the couch cost as they had made a mistake. They had told me that they received an email from the corporate office saying that the fabric is considered a "custom order." If they have you pick out colors from swatches, EVERY couch unless it is made already is a "custom order."
7. I flipped out because one of the selling points from Gene was that I didn't have to pay another dime for a year. I guess they use that line to close the deal.
8. After fighting with the store, I caved in and had them charge 50% as I did not want to have a delay in delivery. This came out to $1677.04 in additional charges.
9. I was still not satisfied as they didn't help me on the price further as this was all their staff's mistake.
10. At that time, I tracked down the address of Futurama's corporate office and wrote a letter outlining my complaint.
11. I received a "Letter of Credit" on 5/26/04 fro $150.00 saying "please accept this letter as credit with apology." It was signed by a Josepine.
12. We were moving from NYC to NJ at the end of August so we had timed the couch delivery to be there near our move in date so hopefully things were still moving along. I had called a month earlier to check status and the store advised that everything was on time.
13. Once we moved in, we had layed out a blanket and beach chairs on the floor as that was our viewing area to watch television until the couch arrived. It was extremely uncomfortable.
14. Right before Labor Day, I called the store to check on the delivery status of the couch. This is when things started getting worse.
15. I had called the store to get an updated delivery status. They tell me it is End November. They didn't give me reasons but that there was a delay. I'm getting nowhere with this person so I hang up.
16. I call the corporate office and start speaking to their customer service and I am told that nothing can be done. At that time, I asked for this person's boss's number who is this man named Scott who is a Vice President.
17. I started to find out that Scott NEVER answers his phone. I left him numerous messages about my situation to call me back.
18. Since the phone route was not working, we head to the store as I needed to speak to someone in person.
19. When I arrived, I asked for THE MANAGER. I get this guy named Carlos who is trying to help me. He claims that he needs a day to investigate this matter and that he would call me at 11:00 am the next day.
20. The next day arrived and I received no call from Carlos. I call back at 11:01 and he says he needs until 5:00. So, at 5:01 I called back again because when they say they will call back, they don't. I had the person page Carlos on their intercom as I was not going to leave a message for him to call back. I literally waited on the phone for 20 minutes.
21. When he picks up, he says that we are looking at a "couple of weeks." I say, "I'll have the couch in 2 weeks?" He says, "No…we are looking at End November." I said, "Carlos…that is NOT a couple of weeks. There are problems with customs in Italy." This is when I started to yell at the guy.
22. "Carlos…this is NOT acceptable anymore. I'm done with these games. First, I'm on the floor in a new place and have company coming over for the holidays so I want a loner couch. Second, I'm NOT paying full price for this couch for all these delays."
23. He says, "I'll need to get the manager for that request." Huh? I though I was speaking to THE MANAGER. He told me he was the Manager so that's another lie. Someone else picks up the phone and says they will be looking into my situation. My blood is boiling to the point of explosion.
24. Finally, right after the Labor Day weekend, this VP Scott calls me back and I give him an earful about his staff and the poor customer service I've received. I tell him I want a loner couch and a discount. He tells me I could cancel the couch for a complete refund. I said that wasn't acceptable either as I didn't want to wait another 18 weeks from someone else to get this couch. He agreed to the 10% discount and the loner couch.
25. The next day, I call the store (I think it was 9/10) and get this supervisor named Donna who Scott had work on my issue and arranged for delivery of a loner couch.
26. That Saturday, they delivery the loner couch and the delivery people say they do a lot of loner couches with this company. So, that is not a good sign.
27. On September 13th, I posted a complaint on Complaints.com. There are now 4 other complaints with similar issues with Futurama.
28. I received a credit card bill on 9/27. I noticed that there was a charge from Futurama for $136.69. I have NO clue what that was.
29. I called the store on 9/28 and spoke to Donna. She said it was a charge for the delivery of the loner couch. I said, "Nope…NOT paying that." It was their mistake so my card should not be charged. I also told them that they would have bigger issues if they again charged my card without authorization. She agreed to put that money back on my card.
30. On Sunday, October 24th, I get an email from a Jim Nyman. He writes, "I was a Manager at that locatin and had to resign do to all the stress they placed upon me by their lies to customer's and Manager's. You can get your money back. I am now on disability from the mental torture they placed on me. I wish you good luck and hope you will contact NJ consumer Affairs about your situation. I had to reach out to you because they have done this to hundreds of people." So, this put a bit of a scare in me when a former manager contacts me.
31. On Monday, October 25th, I contact Futurama to check on the status of my delivery. The person who picked up said that it is scheduled for End November / December. I said I want to speak to a manager.
32. I now get this new guy named Ron. He tells me he needs until 4:00 to look into the matter. I said fine. I knew I was not going to get a call back so at 4:01, I called again. "Ron…I didn't get a call back from you." He starts saying that "he's embarrassed, yadda, yadda, yadda…" I really don't care Ron…I just want my couch.
33. He now says that they DID NOT even put the couch into production. I really start giving it to him now. "What the HELL has your company been doing since May? Do you just take my money and pray that I forget about my couch?" He claims he will work to get some answers on what happened because he is "embarrassed." Getting no where, he says he is out on Tuesday, and to call him Wednesday (today) and that he hopefully has some answers for me. So, he is on tap to be called later this afternoon.
34. I get my mail later that day. My next credit card statement showed up and I did NOT receive the credit of $136.69 for the deliver of the loner couch. I immediately called the store and asked for Donna. She was not in so I left a message.
35. Tuesday, October 26th, I call the store at opening and ask for Donna. She doesn't get in the store on that day until 1:00. So, I left another message. 2:00 rolls around and I receive no call back. So, I call the store again and ask for Donna. I get transferred to her. "Donna speaking…who is this please." I say "it's Kevin Harrison." The second I finished my name, she bounced me back to the person that originally transferred me. That was the MOST unprofessional thing I've ever encountered from a supervisor. She will go down when all is said and done.
36. Meanwhile, this girl I'm speaking to…Maria…claims that the charge for the loner couch will be credited. We shall see when my next statement comes.
37. Contacted Channel 9 News on 10/26. They came to our house to interview us on 10/28 at 6:30 PM with Ed Lopez as the producer to tell our story.
38. Finally spoke to Ron again. He was telling me BEST case scenario of Christmas and could not give me the worst case scenario. He said he needed to look into things further but has not yet gotten back to me.
39. 11/1/01 I received another email from Jim Nyman. He wrote: "I am happy that you took this action and contacted Channel 9. Futurama couldn't fulfill orders in a timely manner because they kept on getting cut off from their furniture vendors for nonpayment of the credit limit they had. They would take your money and promise an approximate date of delivery knowing very well companies would not ship orders to them. My last day of working for them I. E-mailed the NJ Attorney Generals Office and Consumer affairs about "theft By Deception" and asked them to investigate that and other matters concerning Futurama. That date was 7/22/04 and I have saved all e-mails and responses from the state. They have broken all the rules and they will suffer for it. I will keep in touch with you and you do have my permission to forward this e-mail to Channel 9 News. I wouldn't lie for Futurama and was subject to unbelievable stress from the threats, crying and customer's holding me personally responsible for not receiving their orders. I helped many customers, but felt helpless with other customers because of the lies and broken promises Futurama gave me."
40. 11/1/01 I called the corporate offices looking for Scott. They had said he was at the Fairfield location this week for a tent sale. SO, I called the store and asked for Scott and they advised that he was not there. Another LIE from Futurama.
41. 11/5/04 Ed calls and tells about his conversations with Alexander Mehran that it got ugly.
42. 11/8/04 We deciced with Ed to go the route of getting our money back…balance of $2,136.69 (which include the $136 delivery charge of the loner). Ed was to relay this information to Barbara Nevins Taylor. Jim Nyman also said that the quickest way to get a refund is a credit card swipe in the store.
43. 11/8/04 Ed provies me with the number of a Natuzzi Rep…Gary Greenbaum and he would be happen to direct me to other outlets where Natuzzi is offered. Ed also advises that they were yelled at and had the cops called on them in the showroom and that Alexander agreed to a full refund or the couch by mid-December. Ed has contacted Natuzzi's PR firm in Pennsylvania, an American Office in North Carolina, and their Headquarters in Italy.
44. 11/9/04 Ed informs that Mehran spoke to the reporter and wants me to contact "Ram" to come to the store for a full refund but would also want to discuss the pick up of the loner couch. I had wrote back to Ed that this was unacceptable as we were not going back to sitting on the floor.
45. 11/9/04 Ilisa gets a call from Josephine who works for Alex. Two new names to the equation. She wanted to assure me that the couch was in transit and on a boat and that they gave us a date of 12/15 to have the couch and that they would lower the balance of the couch to $1000. She claimed we had a $1500 balance even though I had a $1700 balance so not sure what happened to the original $400 that was supposed to have been taken off. This still doesn't address the $136.69 which is still not a dead issue. She also said that we would be able to keep the loner couch until we had a couch. That this point, I informed Ed of the new news.
46. 11/9/04 I called josephine who gave me her fax number to look into the $136.69. I sent the fax at 4:55 PM.
47. Called every day since…have not received a call back.
48. 11/16/04 Filmed additional footage at Channel 9 Studios.
49. 11/16/04 Put a dispute in to Chase about the delivery charge.
50. 11/22/04 Story on the above aired on UPN Channel 9, Secaucus, NJ
51. 12/16/04 The couch arrived at 2:00 PM !!!
52. April 2005 Find Out That Futurama Furniture in Fairfield Closes Down. SAD.

My Views On Mikalah Gordon

IF I WERE TO WRITE A LETTER TO MIKALAH GORDON, THIS IS HOW IT WOULD GO:

Dear Mikalah,
I've been suffering from a sore back for the last 5 weeks and wasn't sure why. I've figured it out and you are the one to blame. I actually sit and cringe when you "perform" and hearing the sounds that come out of your mouth make my body shrug in such a way that I have sprained my spine. Your voice, I mean, it's like nothing I've ever heard before. You have this unique, original voice BUT that is NOT a compliment... it's really bad…the British may even say it is "horrific" or "ghastly." It's as if some of the tones you are trying to hit, sound like you are making mating calls to antelopes. Some viewers' televison sets may even have cracked.
What is it with a 16 year old girl that trys to act and sound like a cross between Barbara Streisand, Fran Drescher, and Maggie Wheeler. And what is worse, is that the impression is really bad. Rich Little would be ashamed that someone could publically perform such a poor impression. Your voice actually is so painful that you make Ashlee Simpson sound like she can hit a note.

You are an over-confident, over-weight Jewish girl who wears clothing that is too tight and too revealing. We don't want to see your baby fat hanging out your waist line to reveal your back tatoo. Your hair looks like a gothic mop and you wear too much make up. You look more like an extra for the sequel to "The Craft" than you do an American Idol. If William Hung was dead, he'd be turning over in his grave. Hell, Shane Klingensmith wouldn't even tour with you and he sucks worse than a whore with sharp teeth.

You sound best when I am wearing ear plugs. If it wasn't for Lindsey Cardenale singing like the Hunchback of Notre Dame in a voice that sounded like a muppet on crack, you would be gone. I have officially banned the use of Q-Tips in my household as I want the wax to build up so I won't have to hear your next performance as I'd rather have the wax protect my eardrum instead of making an appointment for D.E.S. -- Deep Ear Surgery.

Time is ticking Mrs. Gordon. It doesn't matter if you talk to the judges or are annoying now. You can say all the stupid comments you want. Personally, I'd rather have you Shut The F**K up but who cares…your 15 minutes of irritating fame is coming to an end. Start sending out your resumes to Amusement Parks, Cruise Lines, and Bar Mitzvah Bands. But, I hope you soon realize that a career in music is not for you. You probably could even bankrupt a high school play with that voice.

Enjoy your last week on the show.
Birdman OUT